Okay, let’s set the scene – imagine you were recently browsing some erotic flicks, and in the related videos, a scene caught your eye… a femme with take-charge energy, sternly yet playfully taking the reigns with a smirk. They mindfully move around their bound partner, carefully choosing their words with an air of powerful presence, playfully patting their butt before spanking, and soon, pulling out a strap-on as their partner squirms with excitement and delight. They’re both loving it… and you just unlocked a new kink – your desire to explore your dominatrix side. How can you become FemDom too?

This orgasm-inducing experience won’t leave your mind — you’re craving the idea of exploring FemDom! But, how do you start to explore it and find what you (and your partner) like? How do you set a scene, and ensure that all goes smoothly and safely? Is there like, a FemDom guide?! Well, let’s start with the basics first… what does FemDom mean — and set you up with solid advice and tips to set the FemDom scene of your kinky dreams.

How to Be a FemDom

First, what is FemDom, and what is involved? FemDom is an acronym for Female Domination, although any femme can be a FemDom, and any gender can be the submissive! Despite the common portrayal of a “rough latex Domme”, the acts and actions involved are as varied as the couples who explore it, and FemDom can include sensual and care-taking elements as well. 

Some FemDoms and their submissive partners love the physical acts of Domination and submission (pegging, spankings, bondage) while others love the emotional or mental aspects of power play (submission, power play, or for some, even consensual degradation). Most folks into FemDom or any type of BDSM play love both — after all, the mind/body connection is huge! Physical and mental elements of play can be explored through any of the above “actions” or experiences, and can also include chastity, orgasm denial, or orgasm “torture” (multiple orgasms!).

Once you’ve realized you either want to dominate (or be dominated) consensually of course, it’s up to you and your partner to explore the types of activities that are most exciting for you. 

You can explore a kinky Yes/No/Maybe list to mutually explore what turns you both on and figure out what your boundaries are. Would you like to be served, or be a servant? Would you rather play with punishment or denial and teasing? Do you love spankings, but any degradation is a no-go? Or, do playfully “mean words” really turn you on? Do you love the idea of getting pegged with a strap-on or using a butt plug? Or would you rather get tied up and made to cum?

Talk About Your Kinks with Your Partner

BDSM requires a lot of open communication to be pleasurable for everyone involved, and most of all to meet the core tenets of BDSM – safe, sane, and consensual. You don’t just get tied to a Saint Andrew’s Cross without any prior experience, or have the Dominant partner call all the shots. In fact, it’s truly the submissive who’s in control, and gets to say exactly what their boundaries are. 

Remember to have a safeword to stop play at any time (you can also have a “slow down” word like “mercy” or “yellow”) and to have tender aftercare to ensure you have emotional connection and physical care after your session. Set your own personal rules of engagement — what turns you on the most AND your boundaries. That can include everything from words or actions you don’t want to involve, to when and where you want to vs. don’t want to play (for instance, some people find it hot to sext at work, while others want kink in the bedroom only!) Then, you’ll be ready to set your FemDom scene.

FemDom Scene Ideas

You and your partner get to control exactly how you want to set your BDSM scene. Ease in with the things that most turn you both on, and as you become more comfortable, you can turn up the heat and add more elements you’d love to try.

Start with some of the more “beginning-level” items on your BDSM Yes’s list to incorporate into a night of play. If you’re worried you won’t remember them all or think you’ll get nervous, you can make a bullet-point note on your phone or jot down some ideas to keep handy. Set the scene in your bedroom or wherever you’re playing for the night — turn the lights down low or get some red lighting, light a candle or two, and put on your hottest latex or leather lingerie. If you don’t have any yet, just wear something all-black that makes you feel sexy AF.

You might want to invest in a few bondage basics — blindfolds (or use a silk tie), restraints (comfy padded ones are often preferred versus metal handcuffs), and a simple paddle (or a hand!). Make sure to have some lube handy if you plan to explore multiple orgasms, or a powerful vibrator to intensify your partner’s pleasure (like my favorite of all time, the Magic Wand Rechargeable!). If you really want to dive right in, there’s even BDSM furniture like spanking benches or tables, but honestly, you can go explore those at a high-end BDSM sex club first to make sure you’ll love it at home, too.

FemDom Sex Positions & Play Ideas

There are so many aspects of FemDom play to explore, whether you’re playing with a strap-on, trying impact play, or love the mental aspects of submission and subspace! To get you started with some FemDom ideas, here are a few possible scenes, vibes, and positions you might want to try…

Try exploring foot worship – a very beginner-friendly intro to submission. Massage your partner’s feet (or have them massaged!) with oils and lotion, and give them the full, loving treatment. Kisses and tenderness galore for this scene! From there, you can lead into all types of mental servitude – giving your partner multiple orgasms, a full erotic body massage, or perhaps you want to switch up the vibe and explore something a bit rougher…

Many folks love to be disciplined with impact play, using a hand for spanking, or paddles, floggers, or whips! You can start slow to warm up and then increase the intensity. You may also want to try restraining your partner in bondage (handcuffs, rope, or special under-the-bed restraint kits that turn your bedroom into your very own dungeon). With bondage, you can eternally tease your partner as you instruct them to not touch you, while you tantalize and tease them, edge them, or give them endless orgasms in return with your favorite toy. It can be a really fun way to add to the power dynamic, leaving your partner consensually helpless as you masturbate in front of them, or otherwise have your way!

No sex position is “off limits” in FemDom. While we typically think of pegging as the quintessential FemDom sex position, you can dominate from literally ANY sex position. Whether you’re riding on top, calling the shots in missionary, or being the bottom during doggy style, you can still hold the power with your words and vibe. Any play can truly be BDSM play when you add in the mental headspace and fully embody the dominatrix role (even the most “vanilla” seeming sex!).

Extra FemDom Tips, Advice, and Roleplay

Many FemDom beginners find it easier to get into a Dominant headspace through role-play. Try on a role that fits your vibe, whether you want to be a student/teacher, a doctor/patient, or a boss/employee. Pretending to be “someone else” temporarily can help you feel into what someone in that role could say or do (if, of course, the relationship was consensually erotic!). 

Take some time to envision what that scene would look like… what props would you need? What actions would you take? Did your student fail a test or say something rude in class? Does your patient have a mysterious illness that can ONLY be cured through orgasms? It doesn’t have to be “realistic” — simply playing with the theme can be a lot of fun!

Role-playing is a good way for anyone to explore different sides of their sexual personalities together. To name only a few, you can engage in Student/Teacher relationships, Boss/Underling, Cops/Robbers, or Animal Play (think: a buttplug that has a ponytail attached to the end of it – don’t worry, nobody is judging if you’re into that kind of thing …nobody is judging you if you’re into ANY kind of thing).

Always remember to have lots of aftercare after any BDSM session, no matter how tame or intense. Aftercare is essential to everyone’s mental well-being and to feel cared for after a scene. Ask if your partner needs anything physically (you can offer water, a blanket, or some sweet snacks) and give plenty of kisses, cuddles, and words of affirmation. Whatever their love language is, lay it on thick. 

Your partner will appreciate the time you take to make sure this experience is a pleasant and pleasurable one, but most importantly, one you would love to explore again and add to in the future!